Sunday, November 16, 2008

Some Things I'm Ashamed Of

A writer I respect a lot, Steve Pavlina, just wrote this article, Share Your Shame. He argues that we should share *everything*, and it really resonates with what I've been thinking and writing about as well. For example, I wrote here that I want to present my real, true self to the world. So, here are some things I'm "ashamed" of. Actually, I'm not really ashamed of any of them, in the sense that I feel no shame, certainly no guilt or anything like that. However, I resist revealing them because I'm afraid of how people will judge me on them. I accept them absolutely, I'm just afraid other people won't be so accepting. But, life is short and when the grim reaper steps up, what the hell you gonna do? So here we go!


DRIVING

I'm 24 years old, and I never learned to drive a car. I guess I'm pretty screwed when the Zombie Apocalypse comes. Somehow, I just don't care at all about it. I'd like to learn sometime just so I can explore and simplify the logistics of travel, but deep down inside, I just don't care.


ONLINE GAMES

I wasted many years of my youth playing online games. For some time, I was playing from waking til sleeping. It was irresponsible of my parents to let me get away with it, but the blame is ultimately my own. My social life was pathetic, I had no girlfriend, and I was scrawny and had poor hygiene. Nonetheless, I have no regrets. I have no idea how my life would have turned out if my formative high school years were spent more "traditionally". Together with the next item, I've wandered an extremely unusual path through life, but it's leading to great things now. If I'd lived a more traditional life, would I be resigned to a lifetime of mediocrity?

I wrote a little about these games in my article, Intelligent Design And Intelligent Video Games.


HOMESCHOOLING

With the exception of 6th, 7th, and 9th grade (I skipped 8th grade), I was home-schooled. For 10th-12th grade, that basically consisted of the above item (playing online games all day), though it was supplemented with some classes at a junior college, which the State of California payed for since I was officially a high school student. Of course, I'm doing fine academically now. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in mathematics from the University of Arizona, and now I'm working on a math PhD. My social skills were absolutely terrible for most of my life, but when I was 23 I made a conscious decision to fix them. It's been a very rough almost-two-years, but I think in the final analysis, I've come out ahead of where I'd have been if I'd always had "good enough" social skills and never decided to work on them.


HOMELESSNESS BY CHOICE

For my senior year of undergrad, I was homeless by choice. I slept mostly in an undergraduate lounge in the physics building, which my physics buddy gave me the door combination to get in. Since I was an undergrad with no keys, getting in the building often involved breaking and entering, which I became ridiculously skilled at. Other times, I slept at the library or the computer science tower.

I'm actually pretty damn proud of the experience, which I think of as an adventure. Certainly I've saved many thousands of dollars on rent. And it's awesome getting up nice and well-rested, five minutes before class starts, and walking to class without even leaving the building where you slept.

When I went to Japan, I had thirty days between arriving and going home, but I only booked four nights in the youth hostels in advance. I wanted to put my skills to use and have some real adventure, beyond what any tourist normally experiences. Although I ended up using youth hostels legitimately for most of the final week, most of my time in Japan I was a youth hostel stow-away. In Yokohama, the youth hostel had pretty tight security and I infiltrated it like James Bond. In Osaka, I slept on the rooftops of the tall, surreal skyscrapers.

Now, for the past few months, I've been back at it again. My contract with my previous apartments expired, and I just didn't care. I moved into my office, using it as an excuse to get rid of almost all my unnecessary junk. It's shorter term, this time. In January, my girlfriend and I are planning on moving into a nice two-bedroom apartment together, and already I sleep at her dorm more often than in my office. I think of myself like Great Teacher Onizuka, the (fictional) former yakuza boss who decided to become the greatest high school teacher in Japan, and part of the conditions of his school were that he had to sleep in the attic.


Well, it's interesting to publish these things here for all to read. I usually don't outright hide these things from people, but neither do I bring them up, for obvious reasons. Of course, there are still some things I've not yet gotten the courage to reveal. *Glowing Face Man throws on his mysterious cloak, shrouded in secrecy like the night itself* As I grow in courage, I'll probably grow the balls to publish even more astonishing facts about my crazy, adventurous, remarkable life.


Here are some other articles I wrote. Generally, the later the article's publish date, the more open and sincere.
Never Cover Your Ass
Fighting Perfectionism: Shorter Articles
Review: Steve Pavlina's Personal Development For Smart People
My Trip To The Fujitaisekiji Buddhist Cult

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

How did you sleep in a youth hostel without having a room? That's a pretty awesome skill.

Anonymous said...

It varies depending on the hostel and the business. Most hostels I went to (all but Yokohama), the rooms were unlocked (or, locked in theory, but unlocked in practice). A room would have 6-8 or more beds with constant turnover so there's no way management could keep track of anyone, so unless it's 100% full, just hop in bed. In the cases when it is 100% full (which, in the Summer, is a lot of the time), try to find a stairwell, or roof. I can sleep just about anywhere, the main thing is showering and grooming, and THAT'S what hostel stowing away is REALLY good for. Japan's a good place to "practice" this because if all else fails, you can always go sleep in any of the 24-hour McDonalds ;)

phauna said...

I'm not so sure Japan is a good place to practise a somewhat illegal activity. They are pretty harsh here.

Anonymous said...

Dangerous activities are not meant for everyone. The way I see it, life is short and you gotta take some adventures. Other people can be different, though. Anyway Japan is world-famous for the commonness of public-sleeping, it's not even a taboo, businessmen do it in plain site.

 
Privacy Policy