In a relationship, it's important that someone take leadership and initiative. Without leadership or initiative, the relationship is in danger of stagnating or becoming boring. It takes some leadership to keep a relationship fresh and new. Leadership to move the relationship in new directions, so that it increases in depth and dimension.
The Dating Dilemma is this: each person on a date just wants the other person to be happy, so each person puts their own desires second and wants to let the other person make the decisions. Of course, this leads to both parties being miserable, spending the whole date painfully aware of the other's painful awareness. When you consciously awaken to the Dating Dilemma, the solution is so simple it's almost hilarious. You know your partner just wants you to be happy. And you just want your partner to be happy. So, just be happy! It's okay, be a little selfish even. Think of that restaurant or club you've always wanted to try, and go try it together. Stop worrying, "will she like it?", and just go with what you like. And have fun. Have the time of your life. Your partner will mirror this and have the time of their life too.
The worst possible situation is the back-and-forth selfless act: "So, where do you wanna go?" "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" ad infinitum.
If you find yourself in the back-and-forth selfless act, break it and just go where you wanna go. Go somewhere that makes you happy, and your happiness itself will make your partner happy. Be emotive, let everyone know how great a time you're having.
If you seriously don't know where you want to go, and you're in a back-and-forth selfless act situation, then just decide randomly. It's better to decide a totally random destination and just go, than awkwardly try to figure out that perfect place. Remember that the place isn't really important anyway. It's just an excuse to be together and spend quality time with the one you care about. In a healthy relationship, you could go anywhere and be happy together. My girlfriend and I spent an hour waiting at a bus stop for a bus which was late, and during that hour we had a lot of fun together.
If your partner really wants to go to some specific place, they'll make that evident. This is where being a good listener comes in. It's not hard, really. But, nine times out of ten, your partner just wants to be with you, and wants you to be having a great time.
In relationships, selfishness is selflessness, and selflessness is selfishness. If you spend the whole date worrying about your partner and thinking, "Oh my god, is this place good enough, is she having fun", then of course she won't have any fun. To be so "selfless", is the most selfish, cruel thing you could do. Instead, take leadership, step in the direction of having a good time yourself, and your partner will naturally follow your lead.
If you find yourself thinking something like, "She doesn't seem to be having fun, oh no, is there something in this venue she doesn't like?" Try instead thinking, "Is there something in this venue that I myself don't like?" If you can fix whatever it is, fix it, and start having fun yourself, and your partner will follow. Otherwise, don't be afraid to suggest a change-of-venue.
If there really is something wrong about the venue that makes your partner uncomfortable despite you yourself having fun, then your partner ought to communicate that to you. If not, work on being more open with each other in the relationship. Conversely, if your partner is having a blast but there's something about the venue that you really don't like, you should communicate that to your partner. You'd want her to do the same if the roles were switched.
In a relationship, you share realities with the other person. That should be a two-way process. Sometimes, you should lead her into your reality. Other times, she'll lead you into her reality. If it was only one or the other, the relationship would be lopsided. Share realities with each other so that both of you grow and learn from each others' unique tastes and interests.
Here are some other articles I wrote about relationships and leadership.
Six Reasons To Learn A Language Together: A relationship is all about communication. One great way to improve your communication is to open a whole new communication channel.
My Time In The Seduction Community: Read about how I struggled to overcome a lifetime of dating ignorance. It was a voyage which made me worse before it made me better.
Scientists And Leadership: Think a good scientist is someone who lurks in some dark laboratory and keeps to him or herself? Think again.
The Mirror Model Of Social Interaction: As you feel, so will they feel. This model explains everything from dating to social awkwardness to motivational speeches.
The Dating Dilemma is this: each person on a date just wants the other person to be happy, so each person puts their own desires second and wants to let the other person make the decisions. Of course, this leads to both parties being miserable, spending the whole date painfully aware of the other's painful awareness. When you consciously awaken to the Dating Dilemma, the solution is so simple it's almost hilarious. You know your partner just wants you to be happy. And you just want your partner to be happy. So, just be happy! It's okay, be a little selfish even. Think of that restaurant or club you've always wanted to try, and go try it together. Stop worrying, "will she like it?", and just go with what you like. And have fun. Have the time of your life. Your partner will mirror this and have the time of their life too.
The worst possible situation is the back-and-forth selfless act: "So, where do you wanna go?" "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" ad infinitum.
If you find yourself in the back-and-forth selfless act, break it and just go where you wanna go. Go somewhere that makes you happy, and your happiness itself will make your partner happy. Be emotive, let everyone know how great a time you're having.
If you seriously don't know where you want to go, and you're in a back-and-forth selfless act situation, then just decide randomly. It's better to decide a totally random destination and just go, than awkwardly try to figure out that perfect place. Remember that the place isn't really important anyway. It's just an excuse to be together and spend quality time with the one you care about. In a healthy relationship, you could go anywhere and be happy together. My girlfriend and I spent an hour waiting at a bus stop for a bus which was late, and during that hour we had a lot of fun together.
If your partner really wants to go to some specific place, they'll make that evident. This is where being a good listener comes in. It's not hard, really. But, nine times out of ten, your partner just wants to be with you, and wants you to be having a great time.
In relationships, selfishness is selflessness, and selflessness is selfishness. If you spend the whole date worrying about your partner and thinking, "Oh my god, is this place good enough, is she having fun", then of course she won't have any fun. To be so "selfless", is the most selfish, cruel thing you could do. Instead, take leadership, step in the direction of having a good time yourself, and your partner will naturally follow your lead.
If you find yourself thinking something like, "She doesn't seem to be having fun, oh no, is there something in this venue she doesn't like?" Try instead thinking, "Is there something in this venue that I myself don't like?" If you can fix whatever it is, fix it, and start having fun yourself, and your partner will follow. Otherwise, don't be afraid to suggest a change-of-venue.
If there really is something wrong about the venue that makes your partner uncomfortable despite you yourself having fun, then your partner ought to communicate that to you. If not, work on being more open with each other in the relationship. Conversely, if your partner is having a blast but there's something about the venue that you really don't like, you should communicate that to your partner. You'd want her to do the same if the roles were switched.
In a relationship, you share realities with the other person. That should be a two-way process. Sometimes, you should lead her into your reality. Other times, she'll lead you into her reality. If it was only one or the other, the relationship would be lopsided. Share realities with each other so that both of you grow and learn from each others' unique tastes and interests.
Here are some other articles I wrote about relationships and leadership.
Six Reasons To Learn A Language Together: A relationship is all about communication. One great way to improve your communication is to open a whole new communication channel.
My Time In The Seduction Community: Read about how I struggled to overcome a lifetime of dating ignorance. It was a voyage which made me worse before it made me better.
Scientists And Leadership: Think a good scientist is someone who lurks in some dark laboratory and keeps to him or herself? Think again.
The Mirror Model Of Social Interaction: As you feel, so will they feel. This model explains everything from dating to social awkwardness to motivational speeches.
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1 comments:
I feel lately in the role of person who gives up choice in my relationship. I need to caveman my way back to a healthy dominance.
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