"Let not light see my black and deep desires." -MacBeth, Act 1, Scene 4
Human desires are deep and profound. Much more deep and profound than the surface desires we often claim. Usually, a surface desire is a symptom of some deeper desire. When we desire something on the surface, we should figure out what deep desires lurk below.
While surface desires take on a vast multitude of very specific forms, deep desires come in fewer forms, broader and more general. For example, on the surface we desire to watch a certain TV show. Deeper down, we really just desire entertainment. Depending on the TV show, we might desire something to distract us (most television programming), something to make us think (documentaries), something to make us feel more connected (news and celebrity gossip), or something to excite us (romantic drama). These deep desires are much more broad than the surface desires they manifest as.
Understanding deep desires and surface desires is especially important in relationships. Take "types" for example. Think about the type of partner you most desire, and try to imagine what the actual deep desire is underneath the surface desire. If you want a bombshell blond, maybe the deep desire is to be envied by other men. If you want a tall muscular boyfriend, maybe the deep desire is a desire for protection or a desire to be dominated. A specific naughty fantasy might just highlight a general desire for forbidden passion. Discuss your surface desires with your partner and work together to unearth the deep desires underneath it all. Then figure out how you can fulfill those deep desires for each other, even if you might not fulfill the surface desires.
For example, if you're a short man, you should realize that most women have deep desires associated with taller men. If you can't change your height, figure out other ways to fulfill the deep desires. You can stroke the deep desire for protection by grabbing her close, or by being the social leader, or by demonstrating security with money or wits. The deep desire for domination is easy to stroke, just be assertive and express your own desires with openness. If a tall man has none of these qualities, girls will quickly lose the initial spark of attraction generated by his tallness.
Here are a few deep desires and some of the surface desires that can accompany them. Surface desires come in great multitude and there's no way I can even begin to list them all; I'll just list some surface desires that come to mind, and you can use your imagination to come up with others.
THE DESIRE FOR SAFETY AND SECURITY
This is one of the great driving desires behind all of society. It's one of the main reasons we get jobs and buy houses. Certainly it's why we lock our doors, install security systems, and let our governments get away with spying on us. Ironically, most of the measures we take to increase our safety and security, only give us flimsy, illusionary safety and security. You can lose your job today, even if your performance is top notch. People lose their jobs for no fault of their own. Your home can be lost in any number of ways: natural disasters, fires, eviction, failure to pay the rent. Hurricane Katrina shows how little protection is provided by insurance. Nor is the house inviolate: you can be robbed, raped, or killed in the privacy of your own home.
In relationships, the deeper desires of safety and security manifest in many surface ways. Girls desire a strong, tall man. Guys and girls alike desire a rich, well-connected partner. Too much instability or erratic behavior can ruin any potential mate, although, at the same time, it feeds into the next deep desire:
THE DESIRE FOR THRILL AND ADVENTURE
In the Silmarillion, Death is described as a priceless gift to the race mankind, one of its effects being an unquenchable thirst for thrill and adventure. This wanderlust is what allows us to accomplish great things and what makes great famous men and women possible. At the same time, though, it can cause strife. For example, it's one of the leading deep desires which manifests in the surface desire to have an affair and cheat in a relationship.
The deep desires for thrill and for security go directly counter to each other. Many couples fulfill one or the other desire in each other, but very few fulfill both simultaneously. In order to fulfill both these conflicting desires, a couple must be very open and conscious about the relationship. If two partners are complacent about their relationship, it will inevitably tend toward a complacent, predictable relationship, maybe fulfilling the desire for security but totally neglecting the desire for thrill and adventure.
THE DESIRE TO FEEL LOVED AND ACCEPTED
This desire, first felt as babies toward our parents, continues throughout all our lives. This desire can be very dangerous when it causes us to create false masks and egoic images for ourselves. Ironically, when we fall victim to this trap, it can either backfire and make us awkward; or, even if it works, it's not really me who is loved and accepted, but whatever fake image I'm presenting that day.
This deep desire often lies below a surface desire to conform, to fit in, to be "normal".
THE DESIRE FOR CONNECTION
They say no man is an island. When we desire to go parties, to go to bars and clubs, this is, deep down, a desire for connection. When we watch news, current events, or even celebrity gossip, it's seldom because we genuinely care about what's on the front pages. It almost never has an immediate impact on our lives, and if it did, we'd probably find about it pretty quickly on our own. But it makes us feel connected.
The deep desire for connection (as well as the desire to be loved and accepted) is what makes great thinkers publish their works. Publishing is a lot of effort, so if I just wanted to learn by myself, publishing would be a very inefficient way to do it. There's already so much raw knowledge in the world that I could study other peoples' findings all my life and never run out of new things to study. Why, then, do I publish things? Certainly not to make money-- I could make it much quicker and easier in other ways. No, I publish so that I can connect with people.
THE CONTINUUM OF DESIRES
So far I've been speaking of deep desires and surface desires as though it's a simple dichotomy, but really there's a whole continuous spectrum of desires.
For example, let's look at my desire to watch funny YouTube videos. That's the surface desire. If we go down a little deeper, I'm fighting boredom, looking for something to do to pass the time, something to entertain me. My desire is for entertainment. But the time will pass anyway, won't it? Why can't I just stare at the wall and derive my entertainment that way? Because that would be too predictable. I'm really desiring something I can't predict-- the deep desire is the desire for thrill and adventure. Your reason for watching funny YouTube videos might be different, and my reason might change from time to time. The point, though, is to illustrate how there can be a hierarchy of desires.
Again, consider my desire to eat a turkey sandwich. That's a very specific desire. Below that desire lies the deeper desire of eating in general, of being sustained. And that lies above the deep desire of safety and security. The desire for safety and security might even lie above a very deep desire, the desire to continue existing, to continue being.
Understand your deep desires, not just your surface desires. And then will you know yourself.
FURTHER READING
I wrote about the desire for safety and security in much greater detail in my article, The Solution to the Money Game. People seek security in money, but money is only a means, not an end. And no amount of money can provide real security.
One deep desire many people have- sometimes they don't even realize they have it- is the desire to be led. Read about leadership in relationships, and then challenge yourself to be a better leader in your own relationships.
I learned a lot about desires, both surface desires and deep desires, during the time I spent in the seduction community. I joined the community of pickup artists after a lifetime of not knowing how to fulfill some of my basic human desires. The journey made me understand the nature of my desires in a new light.
While surface desires take on a vast multitude of very specific forms, deep desires come in fewer forms, broader and more general. For example, on the surface we desire to watch a certain TV show. Deeper down, we really just desire entertainment. Depending on the TV show, we might desire something to distract us (most television programming), something to make us think (documentaries), something to make us feel more connected (news and celebrity gossip), or something to excite us (romantic drama). These deep desires are much more broad than the surface desires they manifest as.
Understanding deep desires and surface desires is especially important in relationships. Take "types" for example. Think about the type of partner you most desire, and try to imagine what the actual deep desire is underneath the surface desire. If you want a bombshell blond, maybe the deep desire is to be envied by other men. If you want a tall muscular boyfriend, maybe the deep desire is a desire for protection or a desire to be dominated. A specific naughty fantasy might just highlight a general desire for forbidden passion. Discuss your surface desires with your partner and work together to unearth the deep desires underneath it all. Then figure out how you can fulfill those deep desires for each other, even if you might not fulfill the surface desires.
For example, if you're a short man, you should realize that most women have deep desires associated with taller men. If you can't change your height, figure out other ways to fulfill the deep desires. You can stroke the deep desire for protection by grabbing her close, or by being the social leader, or by demonstrating security with money or wits. The deep desire for domination is easy to stroke, just be assertive and express your own desires with openness. If a tall man has none of these qualities, girls will quickly lose the initial spark of attraction generated by his tallness.
Here are a few deep desires and some of the surface desires that can accompany them. Surface desires come in great multitude and there's no way I can even begin to list them all; I'll just list some surface desires that come to mind, and you can use your imagination to come up with others.
THE DESIRE FOR SAFETY AND SECURITY
This is one of the great driving desires behind all of society. It's one of the main reasons we get jobs and buy houses. Certainly it's why we lock our doors, install security systems, and let our governments get away with spying on us. Ironically, most of the measures we take to increase our safety and security, only give us flimsy, illusionary safety and security. You can lose your job today, even if your performance is top notch. People lose their jobs for no fault of their own. Your home can be lost in any number of ways: natural disasters, fires, eviction, failure to pay the rent. Hurricane Katrina shows how little protection is provided by insurance. Nor is the house inviolate: you can be robbed, raped, or killed in the privacy of your own home.
In relationships, the deeper desires of safety and security manifest in many surface ways. Girls desire a strong, tall man. Guys and girls alike desire a rich, well-connected partner. Too much instability or erratic behavior can ruin any potential mate, although, at the same time, it feeds into the next deep desire:
THE DESIRE FOR THRILL AND ADVENTURE
In the Silmarillion, Death is described as a priceless gift to the race mankind, one of its effects being an unquenchable thirst for thrill and adventure. This wanderlust is what allows us to accomplish great things and what makes great famous men and women possible. At the same time, though, it can cause strife. For example, it's one of the leading deep desires which manifests in the surface desire to have an affair and cheat in a relationship.
The deep desires for thrill and for security go directly counter to each other. Many couples fulfill one or the other desire in each other, but very few fulfill both simultaneously. In order to fulfill both these conflicting desires, a couple must be very open and conscious about the relationship. If two partners are complacent about their relationship, it will inevitably tend toward a complacent, predictable relationship, maybe fulfilling the desire for security but totally neglecting the desire for thrill and adventure.
THE DESIRE TO FEEL LOVED AND ACCEPTED
This desire, first felt as babies toward our parents, continues throughout all our lives. This desire can be very dangerous when it causes us to create false masks and egoic images for ourselves. Ironically, when we fall victim to this trap, it can either backfire and make us awkward; or, even if it works, it's not really me who is loved and accepted, but whatever fake image I'm presenting that day.
This deep desire often lies below a surface desire to conform, to fit in, to be "normal".
THE DESIRE FOR CONNECTION
They say no man is an island. When we desire to go parties, to go to bars and clubs, this is, deep down, a desire for connection. When we watch news, current events, or even celebrity gossip, it's seldom because we genuinely care about what's on the front pages. It almost never has an immediate impact on our lives, and if it did, we'd probably find about it pretty quickly on our own. But it makes us feel connected.
The deep desire for connection (as well as the desire to be loved and accepted) is what makes great thinkers publish their works. Publishing is a lot of effort, so if I just wanted to learn by myself, publishing would be a very inefficient way to do it. There's already so much raw knowledge in the world that I could study other peoples' findings all my life and never run out of new things to study. Why, then, do I publish things? Certainly not to make money-- I could make it much quicker and easier in other ways. No, I publish so that I can connect with people.
THE CONTINUUM OF DESIRES
So far I've been speaking of deep desires and surface desires as though it's a simple dichotomy, but really there's a whole continuous spectrum of desires.
For example, let's look at my desire to watch funny YouTube videos. That's the surface desire. If we go down a little deeper, I'm fighting boredom, looking for something to do to pass the time, something to entertain me. My desire is for entertainment. But the time will pass anyway, won't it? Why can't I just stare at the wall and derive my entertainment that way? Because that would be too predictable. I'm really desiring something I can't predict-- the deep desire is the desire for thrill and adventure. Your reason for watching funny YouTube videos might be different, and my reason might change from time to time. The point, though, is to illustrate how there can be a hierarchy of desires.
Again, consider my desire to eat a turkey sandwich. That's a very specific desire. Below that desire lies the deeper desire of eating in general, of being sustained. And that lies above the deep desire of safety and security. The desire for safety and security might even lie above a very deep desire, the desire to continue existing, to continue being.
Understand your deep desires, not just your surface desires. And then will you know yourself.
FURTHER READING
I wrote about the desire for safety and security in much greater detail in my article, The Solution to the Money Game. People seek security in money, but money is only a means, not an end. And no amount of money can provide real security.
One deep desire many people have- sometimes they don't even realize they have it- is the desire to be led. Read about leadership in relationships, and then challenge yourself to be a better leader in your own relationships.
I learned a lot about desires, both surface desires and deep desires, during the time I spent in the seduction community. I joined the community of pickup artists after a lifetime of not knowing how to fulfill some of my basic human desires. The journey made me understand the nature of my desires in a new light.
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