If you ever find yourself starring in a major Hollywood blockbuster and there's a girl you want to seduce, here are some ways you can go about doing it.
* Tell her you love her and can't live without her. If this doesn't work right away, it's because she's not sufficiently convinced, so spend the rest of the movie repeating it ad nauseum.
* If her fiance is a wealthy gentleman, immediately discard all your worldly possessions and become a penniless pauper. Chicks engaged to aristocrats dig paupers.
* If she's making out with someone (possibly even her boyfriend or fiance), go defend her honor. He's obviously forcing her, and she'll love you for stopping them.
* Save the world together. (Optionally replace "world" with "galaxy", "universe", or "Christmas")
* Go way out of your way to help her and assist her. If you're not flexing your influence to give her massive undeserved favors, you're not doing enough.
* Rescue her from an evil villain. If she hasn't been kidnapped yet, no sweat, it's inevitable.
* Call out her name really loud somewhere in the wilderness.
* If she happens to be a spy working for one country, become a spy working for that country's #1 enemy, or at the very least for a competing spy agency.
* If she's a nurse (especially during World War II), do whatever it takes to become a casualty in her hospital.
* If you're both in high school, buy beer for the party. Unfortunately this tactic is of limited value. In Hollywood, it's easier for a teenager to get a time machine than a beer.
* Whatever it takes, whatever extremes you must go to, make her parents hate your guts. Once they want you dead, the girl is guaranteed.
* Be Colin Firth.
* If you're having trouble convincing her that you really do love her and can't live without her, try announcing it dramatically in front of all her friends, co-workers and family.
* If everything else fails, break off all contact with her but continue to obsess about her for twenty years. Eventually she'll wander back into your life and as soon as she sees you again, she'll fall deeply in love.
* Variation on the previous one: break off contact and continue to quietly obsess over her until she gets crippled/maimed/disfigured/blinded in a horrible accident. As your competition abandons her, you can swoop in for the easy seduction.
* Befriend her children. Don't worry, she won't suspect you're a pedophile, instead she'll see what a great father figure you are and soon you'll be hearing wedding bells.
* The paradox of success: when you finally achieve huge success, she'll come running into your arms. But when her husband or fiance achieves huge success, it'll estrange them and she'll come running to you.
* After losing contact with her, scour the world to find her. Sail the seven seas hunting her down. You'll eventually find her in Paris, just in time to rescue her from her previous lover who's gone crazy. The two of you will live happily ever after.
* Make sure her first impression of you is as terrible as possible. When she learns how mistaken she was, she'll jump lovingly into your arms.
* Stalk her. No, really, full-out stalk her, it's not creepy at all when it's in a movie.
* Relate a tear-filled story to total strangers about how you lost her. Include plenty of detailed flashbacks. Around the end of the story, she'll come running back into your arms.
* Be her invisible benefactor. Eventually she'll figure out it's you, and nothing opens a girl's legs faster than being the recipient of charity.
* Die dramatically in front of her. She'll realize she loved you all along, and as she kisses you, the power of love will bring you back to life.
* At a party or dance, stare creepily across the room at her for five minutes. You'll know you're doing it right when the rest of the room blurs out of focus.
* If none of this advice is working yet, it's because you aren't enough of a nice guy. Try taking yoga classes or something.
* Did I mention you should definitely tell her you love her and can't live without her?
FURTHER READING
You might be a prescriptive linguist if...
You might be an autodidact if...
Variations of "I Love You"
My Time in the Seduction Community
* Tell her you love her and can't live without her. If this doesn't work right away, it's because she's not sufficiently convinced, so spend the rest of the movie repeating it ad nauseum.
* If her fiance is a wealthy gentleman, immediately discard all your worldly possessions and become a penniless pauper. Chicks engaged to aristocrats dig paupers.
* If she's making out with someone (possibly even her boyfriend or fiance), go defend her honor. He's obviously forcing her, and she'll love you for stopping them.
* Save the world together. (Optionally replace "world" with "galaxy", "universe", or "Christmas")
* Go way out of your way to help her and assist her. If you're not flexing your influence to give her massive undeserved favors, you're not doing enough.
* Rescue her from an evil villain. If she hasn't been kidnapped yet, no sweat, it's inevitable.
* Call out her name really loud somewhere in the wilderness.
* If she happens to be a spy working for one country, become a spy working for that country's #1 enemy, or at the very least for a competing spy agency.
* If she's a nurse (especially during World War II), do whatever it takes to become a casualty in her hospital.
* If you're both in high school, buy beer for the party. Unfortunately this tactic is of limited value. In Hollywood, it's easier for a teenager to get a time machine than a beer.
* Whatever it takes, whatever extremes you must go to, make her parents hate your guts. Once they want you dead, the girl is guaranteed.
* Be Colin Firth.
* If you're having trouble convincing her that you really do love her and can't live without her, try announcing it dramatically in front of all her friends, co-workers and family.
* If everything else fails, break off all contact with her but continue to obsess about her for twenty years. Eventually she'll wander back into your life and as soon as she sees you again, she'll fall deeply in love.
* Variation on the previous one: break off contact and continue to quietly obsess over her until she gets crippled/maimed/disfigured/blinded in a horrible accident. As your competition abandons her, you can swoop in for the easy seduction.
* Befriend her children. Don't worry, she won't suspect you're a pedophile, instead she'll see what a great father figure you are and soon you'll be hearing wedding bells.
* The paradox of success: when you finally achieve huge success, she'll come running into your arms. But when her husband or fiance achieves huge success, it'll estrange them and she'll come running to you.
* After losing contact with her, scour the world to find her. Sail the seven seas hunting her down. You'll eventually find her in Paris, just in time to rescue her from her previous lover who's gone crazy. The two of you will live happily ever after.
* Make sure her first impression of you is as terrible as possible. When she learns how mistaken she was, she'll jump lovingly into your arms.
* Stalk her. No, really, full-out stalk her, it's not creepy at all when it's in a movie.
* Relate a tear-filled story to total strangers about how you lost her. Include plenty of detailed flashbacks. Around the end of the story, she'll come running back into your arms.
* Be her invisible benefactor. Eventually she'll figure out it's you, and nothing opens a girl's legs faster than being the recipient of charity.
* Die dramatically in front of her. She'll realize she loved you all along, and as she kisses you, the power of love will bring you back to life.
* At a party or dance, stare creepily across the room at her for five minutes. You'll know you're doing it right when the rest of the room blurs out of focus.
* If none of this advice is working yet, it's because you aren't enough of a nice guy. Try taking yoga classes or something.
* Did I mention you should definitely tell her you love her and can't live without her?
FURTHER READING
You might be a prescriptive linguist if...
You might be an autodidact if...
Variations of "I Love You"
My Time in the Seduction Community
Posts
1 comments:
Bwahaha! It's so true!
"* Whatever it takes, whatever extremes you must go to, make her parents hate your guts. Once they want you dead, the girl is guaranteed."
There's a musical--I can't remember what it's called--but the parents of the main guy and girl, who are neighbors, have pretended to hate each other all their lives so their kids will fall in love. It works, of course.
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