In civilized society, we go to any extreme to avoid fighting. Long gone are the duels of the past, long outgrown is the namecalling of grade school. And yet, cruelty continues to manifest itself in our actions, sneaking in as passive aggressiveness. We give the "cold shoulder" to our most dearly loved ones, even though this can actually cause much more pain (and longer-term pain) than shouting.
The most subtle and insidious forms of cruelty actually masquerade as selflessness. Wise-men have long been aware of these cruelforms, and the ancient literature refers to them as "mind games". As in, "avoid that girl, she's full of wicked mind games". Most of us are guilty of these from time to time, often without even conscious awareness. The most common example is resigned agreement: when I'm sick of arguing about something so I just say "fine, whatever, you win", or, with a dramatic sigh, "ohkay, we can watch that movie." I whip out these cruel verses and justify them as being selfless, but at a very deep level I know they're the exact opposite, that they are torture.
By the same token, the kindest thing you can do is often the selfish thing.
In a loving relationship, kindness and cruelty are actually easier to manage than we often make them, and that's because of one fact which changes the whole equation. In such a relationship, kindness toward your partner is kindness toward yourself, and likewise with cruelty. There is no distinction between the two. It's the old "where do you wanna eat lunch, I dunno where do you wanna eat lunch" paradox: each partner really just wants the happiness of the other. When a girl really loves me, my happiness becomes her happiness, and visa versa. When I am happy, she is happy, and the net change is pure joy; when I surrender and become a martyr (letting my pain body take over), she shares my suffering and the net change is pure misery.
Even a white lie can be cruel. Rather than say you like a certain shirt that you actually hate, come right out and let your partner know how you feel. Use tact, but don't lie. In the same way that a couple shares joy and suffering, when you lie to your partner, it's like you're lying to yourself. In this example, once the shirt gets ditched and replaced with something more appealing, the relationship becomes energized as new attraction blooms. If things go well, soon neither of you will be wearing any shirt ;)
What made me start thinking about these matters was an article from Steve Pavlina about ways to increase one's consciousness. A lot of them were frankly predictable and I was almost ready to navigate away from the article, when the kindness/cruelty example came and caught me by surprise. I'd never thought of these before in the context of raising consciousness, but the more I think about it, the more I agree with Steve. The types of passive aggressive cruelty I'm discussing have a common thread: hiding the truth. Of course that's gonna lower my consciousness; if I tell my girlfriend I wanna watch some movie when I'd really prefer to gouge out my own eyeballs, I may as well drill flashcards that say "1+1=3". More overt forms of cruelty, such as waterboarding, give rise to self-justification, which again is just a fancy word for "shutting your eyes and clocking the heck out". On the bright side, kindness is about sharing truth, and when we're kind, we can better accept ourselves for who we are, so consciousness goes up.
Now I know you want me to wrap this article up with some witty ending, but to be absolutely honest with you, I really don't feel like it. Not tonight. Let's listen to some music instead. I know you appreciate my honesty here since you don't really want me to strain to make a witty ending and be bitter the rest of the night ;)
FURTHER READING
Leadership In Relationships
51 Things That Won't Matter When You Die
The Pain Body
The most subtle and insidious forms of cruelty actually masquerade as selflessness. Wise-men have long been aware of these cruelforms, and the ancient literature refers to them as "mind games". As in, "avoid that girl, she's full of wicked mind games". Most of us are guilty of these from time to time, often without even conscious awareness. The most common example is resigned agreement: when I'm sick of arguing about something so I just say "fine, whatever, you win", or, with a dramatic sigh, "ohkay, we can watch that movie." I whip out these cruel verses and justify them as being selfless, but at a very deep level I know they're the exact opposite, that they are torture.
By the same token, the kindest thing you can do is often the selfish thing.
In a loving relationship, kindness and cruelty are actually easier to manage than we often make them, and that's because of one fact which changes the whole equation. In such a relationship, kindness toward your partner is kindness toward yourself, and likewise with cruelty. There is no distinction between the two. It's the old "where do you wanna eat lunch, I dunno where do you wanna eat lunch" paradox: each partner really just wants the happiness of the other. When a girl really loves me, my happiness becomes her happiness, and visa versa. When I am happy, she is happy, and the net change is pure joy; when I surrender and become a martyr (letting my pain body take over), she shares my suffering and the net change is pure misery.
Even a white lie can be cruel. Rather than say you like a certain shirt that you actually hate, come right out and let your partner know how you feel. Use tact, but don't lie. In the same way that a couple shares joy and suffering, when you lie to your partner, it's like you're lying to yourself. In this example, once the shirt gets ditched and replaced with something more appealing, the relationship becomes energized as new attraction blooms. If things go well, soon neither of you will be wearing any shirt ;)
What made me start thinking about these matters was an article from Steve Pavlina about ways to increase one's consciousness. A lot of them were frankly predictable and I was almost ready to navigate away from the article, when the kindness/cruelty example came and caught me by surprise. I'd never thought of these before in the context of raising consciousness, but the more I think about it, the more I agree with Steve. The types of passive aggressive cruelty I'm discussing have a common thread: hiding the truth. Of course that's gonna lower my consciousness; if I tell my girlfriend I wanna watch some movie when I'd really prefer to gouge out my own eyeballs, I may as well drill flashcards that say "1+1=3". More overt forms of cruelty, such as waterboarding, give rise to self-justification, which again is just a fancy word for "shutting your eyes and clocking the heck out". On the bright side, kindness is about sharing truth, and when we're kind, we can better accept ourselves for who we are, so consciousness goes up.
Now I know you want me to wrap this article up with some witty ending, but to be absolutely honest with you, I really don't feel like it. Not tonight. Let's listen to some music instead. I know you appreciate my honesty here since you don't really want me to strain to make a witty ending and be bitter the rest of the night ;)
FURTHER READING
Leadership In Relationships
51 Things That Won't Matter When You Die
The Pain Body
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