Boys and ghouls, I've got this friend who is constantly apologizing. It's like my life's a sitcom and apologizing is this guy's catchphrase. He apologizes even for things he has no part in. "Looks like Pope John Paul kicked the bucket." "Damn man, I'm sorry."
People who apologize a lot think they're being super polite. The fact is, apologizing too much is a nuisance. That's why I'm writing this guide to help you better understand when it's appropriate to apologize. Having read this, you'll gain the ability to speak to animals with your mind.
WHEN TO APOLOGIZE
* When you've _accidentally_ done something that legitimately hurt someone. For example, you spilled their drink.
* When you've unwittingly insulted someone or otherwise put your foot in your mouth. By talking when you don't know all the details. For example, you joke about sleeping with someone's mom, except in real life she just croaked.
* When someone you're responsible for does one of the above.
That about sums it up. Let's notice some things the list doesn't include. It doesn't include apologizing for intentional actions. Don't apologize because you beat someone at pool. Or because you got the promotion you were both gunning for and only one person could get. Apologizing in these situations is incongruent and it telegraphs that you're not used to winning or getting your way. The list doesn't include things totally outside your jurisdiction. If someone's mom dies, they don't need or want your apology. Unless you accidentally killed her.
There is one other case when an apology is appropriate. This is when you deliberately did something that was wrong, and have since changed and come to sincerely regret your actions. This is the most rare and most powerful form of apology. It's most commonly heard from criminals on death row. For this apology to be appropriate it can't just be words. It has to reflect an actual pain of regret, an actual desire to go back in time and undo damage. This apology can be used to great effect in drama, when the villain turns good in the final moments, too late to save herself but still in time to prostrate before her former victims. Makes for a much more touching end than just having her blow up in a big helicopter crash.
Linguistics
Now let's talk about the linguistics of apologizing. The standard formula, "I'm Sorry", is about the worst you can possibly use. When you invoke it you are literally putting yourself down. "Sorry" is an actual adjective, and it means "wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful" (thanx dictionary.com). So, having accidentally done some misdeed, you resort to calling yourself wretched? Got news for you. You're a GlowingFaceMan reader, you need a helluva lot bigger excuse than spilling someone's drink before I wanna hear you debasing yourself. "But it's a set phrase!" you might exclaim. I don't care. It's a bad set phrase and it's time we dumped it. No more bashing yourself, that's an order from General Glowing Face Man!
If you're in a casual situation where slang is appropriate, a good alternative is "my bad". In this context "bad" is a noun and it means "mistake", so you're saying, "Oops, that was my mistake". No self-bashing here since everyone makes mistakes. In a sense this is an empowering apology: you're acknowledging responsibility, and thus acknowledging that you are in power of what you do. All without compromising yourself for the sake of some linguistic tradition.
My own favorite way to apologize is, "Forgive me". This is a POWER apology: even while acknowledging your responsibility, you are holding onto command. You are COMMANDING them to forgive you. This is the type of apology which presidents, generals, captains and leaders can make best use of. Rather than hemorrhage value with self-bashing you are GAINING value building further leadership momentum. In fact you're doing the people around you a favor. Since you are already the leader of the group, you already have leadership momentum and any lesser apology will mean slamming down on the leadership breaks, giving everyone whiplash. Now that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it. You can still say "forgive me" with as much humility as the situation requires. If anything, the solemnity adds an almost regal component to your aura of leadership.
The "forgive me" apology is a health wakeup call for America. A lot of people have lost the habit of actively forgiving eachother. They listen to traditional apologies which have become meaningless, and let their grievances fester deep inside without ever really forgiving. By saying "forgive me", you are giving them an explicit reminder to forgive. By increasing the national forgiveness rate we will reduce cancer, mental problems, and obesity. All these problems are exacerbated by harbored, unforgiven grudges. By reminding someone how to forgive, youll literally set their whole life on a new vector toward change and healing.
There are more acrobatic linguistic alternatives to apologizing. Here's a neat one. Rather than apologize, THANK someone for their patience with your mistake. This is more appropriate for a repeated mistake or a bigger mistake, it would be a little weird-sounding for a one-time thing.
Example.
Person A: "That's like the tenth time you forgot to lock the car door!"
Person B: "I know.. thank you so much for being so patient with me trying my hardest to remember"
People love thinking of themselves as the generous, patient one in the interaction. So when you take this route you truly are training your silver tongue. And you know what a silver tongue gets you, right? Lots of makeouts with hot babes/hunks (whichever you're into)!
The gratitude-apology-dodge also uses an NLP technique called presupposition. You are presupposing that the person actually IS patient with you. When you're congruent with it, it's very difficult for them to disagree. So it's like you're using a jedi mind trick to ensure that they are patient with you. Very useful for apologizing to pissed off cops. If you're good enough you eventually become pretty much immune to people losing their tempers at you. So if you want you can basically do anything and get away with it.
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction states: whatever feelings you have, those feelings will be mirrored by the people around you. If you mess up and then feel really awkward about it, the people you're with will likewise feel awkward about it. Think about the last time someone became over-apologetic around you. You probably just wanted them to move on. Their uneasy feelings made you feel uneasy. It's best to just move on. Don't be a dick about it, if you seriously mess up then definitely apologize, but never dwell on it or over-apologize.
May your Glow be centered and relaxed and may it flow naturally enhancing your chi
Glowing Face Man
Check out these other things I've written. If you read them all, your next lover will be a celebrity.
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction
Voice: The Male Version of Tits
How to find the best headphones
People who apologize a lot think they're being super polite. The fact is, apologizing too much is a nuisance. That's why I'm writing this guide to help you better understand when it's appropriate to apologize. Having read this, you'll gain the ability to speak to animals with your mind.
WHEN TO APOLOGIZE
* When you've _accidentally_ done something that legitimately hurt someone. For example, you spilled their drink.
* When you've unwittingly insulted someone or otherwise put your foot in your mouth. By talking when you don't know all the details. For example, you joke about sleeping with someone's mom, except in real life she just croaked.
* When someone you're responsible for does one of the above.
That about sums it up. Let's notice some things the list doesn't include. It doesn't include apologizing for intentional actions. Don't apologize because you beat someone at pool. Or because you got the promotion you were both gunning for and only one person could get. Apologizing in these situations is incongruent and it telegraphs that you're not used to winning or getting your way. The list doesn't include things totally outside your jurisdiction. If someone's mom dies, they don't need or want your apology. Unless you accidentally killed her.
There is one other case when an apology is appropriate. This is when you deliberately did something that was wrong, and have since changed and come to sincerely regret your actions. This is the most rare and most powerful form of apology. It's most commonly heard from criminals on death row. For this apology to be appropriate it can't just be words. It has to reflect an actual pain of regret, an actual desire to go back in time and undo damage. This apology can be used to great effect in drama, when the villain turns good in the final moments, too late to save herself but still in time to prostrate before her former victims. Makes for a much more touching end than just having her blow up in a big helicopter crash.
Linguistics
Now let's talk about the linguistics of apologizing. The standard formula, "I'm Sorry", is about the worst you can possibly use. When you invoke it you are literally putting yourself down. "Sorry" is an actual adjective, and it means "wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful" (thanx dictionary.com). So, having accidentally done some misdeed, you resort to calling yourself wretched? Got news for you. You're a GlowingFaceMan reader, you need a helluva lot bigger excuse than spilling someone's drink before I wanna hear you debasing yourself. "But it's a set phrase!" you might exclaim. I don't care. It's a bad set phrase and it's time we dumped it. No more bashing yourself, that's an order from General Glowing Face Man!
If you're in a casual situation where slang is appropriate, a good alternative is "my bad". In this context "bad" is a noun and it means "mistake", so you're saying, "Oops, that was my mistake". No self-bashing here since everyone makes mistakes. In a sense this is an empowering apology: you're acknowledging responsibility, and thus acknowledging that you are in power of what you do. All without compromising yourself for the sake of some linguistic tradition.
My own favorite way to apologize is, "Forgive me". This is a POWER apology: even while acknowledging your responsibility, you are holding onto command. You are COMMANDING them to forgive you. This is the type of apology which presidents, generals, captains and leaders can make best use of. Rather than hemorrhage value with self-bashing you are GAINING value building further leadership momentum. In fact you're doing the people around you a favor. Since you are already the leader of the group, you already have leadership momentum and any lesser apology will mean slamming down on the leadership breaks, giving everyone whiplash. Now that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it. You can still say "forgive me" with as much humility as the situation requires. If anything, the solemnity adds an almost regal component to your aura of leadership.
The "forgive me" apology is a health wakeup call for America. A lot of people have lost the habit of actively forgiving eachother. They listen to traditional apologies which have become meaningless, and let their grievances fester deep inside without ever really forgiving. By saying "forgive me", you are giving them an explicit reminder to forgive. By increasing the national forgiveness rate we will reduce cancer, mental problems, and obesity. All these problems are exacerbated by harbored, unforgiven grudges. By reminding someone how to forgive, youll literally set their whole life on a new vector toward change and healing.
There are more acrobatic linguistic alternatives to apologizing. Here's a neat one. Rather than apologize, THANK someone for their patience with your mistake. This is more appropriate for a repeated mistake or a bigger mistake, it would be a little weird-sounding for a one-time thing.
Example.
Person A: "That's like the tenth time you forgot to lock the car door!"
Person B: "I know.. thank you so much for being so patient with me trying my hardest to remember"
People love thinking of themselves as the generous, patient one in the interaction. So when you take this route you truly are training your silver tongue. And you know what a silver tongue gets you, right? Lots of makeouts with hot babes/hunks (whichever you're into)!
The gratitude-apology-dodge also uses an NLP technique called presupposition. You are presupposing that the person actually IS patient with you. When you're congruent with it, it's very difficult for them to disagree. So it's like you're using a jedi mind trick to ensure that they are patient with you. Very useful for apologizing to pissed off cops. If you're good enough you eventually become pretty much immune to people losing their tempers at you. So if you want you can basically do anything and get away with it.
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction states: whatever feelings you have, those feelings will be mirrored by the people around you. If you mess up and then feel really awkward about it, the people you're with will likewise feel awkward about it. Think about the last time someone became over-apologetic around you. You probably just wanted them to move on. Their uneasy feelings made you feel uneasy. It's best to just move on. Don't be a dick about it, if you seriously mess up then definitely apologize, but never dwell on it or over-apologize.
May your Glow be centered and relaxed and may it flow naturally enhancing your chi
Glowing Face Man
Check out these other things I've written. If you read them all, your next lover will be a celebrity.
The Mirror Model of Social Interaction
Voice: The Male Version of Tits
How to find the best headphones
Posts
1 comments:
I love your linguistics of apologies. Excellent points and advice. Kudos given.
Thank you for being patient with me while I mention my blog too.
http://www.walkinthewords.blogsport.com
Hope you enjoy.
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